St. Patrick's Day Jokes
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Ireland!
Ireland who?
Ireland you money if you promise to pay me back.
Are people jealous of the Irish?
Yeah, they’re green with envy.
Why don't you iron four-leaf clovers?
Because you don't want to press your luck.
What do you call a big Irish spider?
A Paddy long legs.
How do you know if an Irishman is having a good
time?
He’s Dublin over with laughter.
Two Irishmen, Pat and Murphy, saw a sign saying “Tree
fellers” wanted. Murphy said to Pat, “If only Seamus had
been with us, we’d have gotten that job.”
What do you call an Irish fella trying to break up a
fight?
Liam Malone.
Paddy told Murphy that his wife was driving him to drink.
Murphy said, “Mate, you’re lucky! My wife makes me
walk.”
What do you call an Irishman covered in boils?
A leper-chaun.
“I’m the unluckiest person in the whole world,” moaned
Betty McGrath. “I bought a non-stick pan and can’t get
the label off.’”
An American lawyer asked, “Paddy, why is it that
whenever I ask an Irishman a question, he answers
with another question?
“Who told you that?” asked Paddy.
How can Irish people tell when it’s summer?
The rain gets warmer.
A Texan rancher comes to Ireland and meets a
Kerry farmer. The Texan says, “Takes me a whole
day to drive from one side of my ranch to the
other.” The Kerry farmer says, “Ah sure, I know, sir.
We have tractors like that over here too.”
What do you call a fake Irish stone?
A sham-rock.
Why can’t you borrow money from a
leprechaun?
‘Cause they’re always a little short.
I went out drinking on St. Patrick’s Day and ended
up taking a bus home. That may not be a big deal
to you, but I've never driven a bus before.”
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Irish!
Irish who?
Irish you a Happy St. Patrick's Day!
Paddy says to Mary, “If you were stranded on a
desert island, who’d you most like to be with you?”
“My uncle Mick,” replies Paddy.
“What’s so special about him?” asks Mary.
“He’s got a boat,” says Paddy.
The barman says to Paddy, “Your glass is empty,
fancy another one?” Looking puzzled, Paddy says,
“Why would I be needing two empty glasses?”
Paddy went to the doctor today and said, “Do you
treat alcoholics?”
The doctor replied, “Of course we do.”
Paddy said, “Great, get your coat on, I’m thirsty.”